Sometimes I like to make my mother listen to me whine about being single. It's fun. For me, anyway. Not so much for her, but I can't be arsed to worry about that. One thing she likes to tell me to try to make me feel better is that there is an amazing man out there for me. She doesn't seem to know where on earth he is, and neither do I, so that doesn't do me much good.
She also tells me I have to be patient and that things will happen when they happen, not when I want them to. Not that that's news to me. I KNOW I have to wait. I can't just make thing happen because I'm tired of waiting.
So, this afternoon, I was washing dishes, and although I've heard that song about whistling while one works, I've never been able to whistle. So I had the TV on instead, on one of the music channels we get as part of our cable package. I prefer channel 925, which is Party Favorites. I started to sing along with one of the songs that came on halfway through my dish-washing, and as I did so, I thought, yes! That IS what Mama said!
No, not that there'd be days like this (my mom's an optimist), but that you can't hurry love. You've just got to wait!
Apparently, Diana Ross and I have the same Mama.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Waiting
I think I've mentioned it before (if not I know it's somewhere in my sidebar) that I am a birth mother. Several months ago, I could mostly only see adoption from my side of things, and I had a hard time relating to or understanding adoptive couples. Their perspective was distinctly foreign to me, and although I couldn't understand their position, I didn't envy them for it either.
Then a few months ago I decided maybe I needed to approach marriage from the same angle as couples who want to adopt. I wasn't having any luck with the way I was thinking, and if the hoping-to-adopt angle helped grow families of two into families of three or more, it could certainly grow my family from one to two!
And while I would never, ever presume to say that I understand the heartache and the interminable wait that couples go through, I think I've got a bit more sympathy now than I ever did before. Because I am doing everything I can possibly think of to keep myself occupied while I wait, and I'm running out of ideas and starting to wonder what exactly it is that's kept me from being chosen yet.
I've long since grown weary of people's suggestions for things I can do to attract a potential husband. But I've taken them anyway. And I've run out of ideas. Now I'm at the point of second-guessing even the most minute of my decisions and actions. I'm just not sure what more I could possibly do. What in my life is lacking? Marriage is a righteous desire. I pray every night that I can meet a good man who will marry me in the temple. Am I somehow unworthy? Has God found me wanting? Undeserving of a husband and children?
I'm not only second-guessing my decisions, I'm second-guessing myself. I'm at the point where I think, something must be wrong with me, or I would be in a relationship. My mother assures me that there's nothing wrong with me, that I am smart and funny and clever and a good writer. She doesn't usually say I'm pretty, which makes me think I fit the dreaded "great personality" category reserved for people who can't honestly be described as even okay-looking.
Again, I certainly don't ever want to diminish the pain that infertile couples feel. But I've always thought, they at least have each other. All these amazing couples who are certified with LDS Family Services might not be able to bear children, but they are sealed to each other for eternity. I've got bupkis.
It stinks. There's nothing I can do but wait. Waiting is the hardest part. It's interminable. I could be waiting for the rest of my life. Sometimes it already feels like I've been waiting forever. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. And so I wait.
Then a few months ago I decided maybe I needed to approach marriage from the same angle as couples who want to adopt. I wasn't having any luck with the way I was thinking, and if the hoping-to-adopt angle helped grow families of two into families of three or more, it could certainly grow my family from one to two!
And while I would never, ever presume to say that I understand the heartache and the interminable wait that couples go through, I think I've got a bit more sympathy now than I ever did before. Because I am doing everything I can possibly think of to keep myself occupied while I wait, and I'm running out of ideas and starting to wonder what exactly it is that's kept me from being chosen yet.
I've long since grown weary of people's suggestions for things I can do to attract a potential husband. But I've taken them anyway. And I've run out of ideas. Now I'm at the point of second-guessing even the most minute of my decisions and actions. I'm just not sure what more I could possibly do. What in my life is lacking? Marriage is a righteous desire. I pray every night that I can meet a good man who will marry me in the temple. Am I somehow unworthy? Has God found me wanting? Undeserving of a husband and children?
I'm not only second-guessing my decisions, I'm second-guessing myself. I'm at the point where I think, something must be wrong with me, or I would be in a relationship. My mother assures me that there's nothing wrong with me, that I am smart and funny and clever and a good writer. She doesn't usually say I'm pretty, which makes me think I fit the dreaded "great personality" category reserved for people who can't honestly be described as even okay-looking.
Again, I certainly don't ever want to diminish the pain that infertile couples feel. But I've always thought, they at least have each other. All these amazing couples who are certified with LDS Family Services might not be able to bear children, but they are sealed to each other for eternity. I've got bupkis.
It stinks. There's nothing I can do but wait. Waiting is the hardest part. It's interminable. I could be waiting for the rest of my life. Sometimes it already feels like I've been waiting forever. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. And so I wait.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I Almost Forgot!
My brother was kind enough to point something out that I neglected to mention, something that is very important to me and my family.
My late father would never, ever forgive me if the husband I adopted was a fan of the New York Yankees. I realize these are fighting words, but in my family it's better to die alone than to marry a Yankees fan. So, let's add that to my list: must love baseball, but not the Yankees. A Dodgers fan would be a plus, but so long as you're willing to root for whomever's playing against the Yankees, it's all good.
My late father would never, ever forgive me if the husband I adopted was a fan of the New York Yankees. I realize these are fighting words, but in my family it's better to die alone than to marry a Yankees fan. So, let's add that to my list: must love baseball, but not the Yankees. A Dodgers fan would be a plus, but so long as you're willing to root for whomever's playing against the Yankees, it's all good.
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