I am hoping to adopt a husband! Please feel free to browse this blog to get a better idea of who I am. I am committed to a strong, open relationship with my future husband's family. If you have any questions e-mail me at jilleb163 AT gmail DOT com. Please pass along my information to any men you may know who are considering marriage.

Friday, July 16, 2010


I think I've mentioned it before (if not I know it's somewhere in my sidebar) that I am a birth mother. Several months ago, I could mostly only see adoption from my side of things, and I had a hard time relating to or understanding adoptive couples. Their perspective was distinctly foreign to me, and although I couldn't understand their position, I didn't envy them for it either.

Then a few months ago I decided maybe I needed to approach marriage from the same angle as couples who want to adopt. I wasn't having any luck with the way I was thinking, and if the hoping-to-adopt angle helped grow families of two into families of three or more, it could certainly grow my family from one to two!

And while I would never, ever presume to say that I understand the heartache and the interminable wait that couples go through, I think I've got a bit more sympathy now than I ever did before. Because I am doing everything I can possibly think of to keep myself occupied while I wait, and I'm running out of ideas and starting to wonder what exactly it is that's kept me from being chosen yet.

I've long since grown weary of people's suggestions for things I can do to attract a potential husband. But I've taken them anyway. And I've run out of ideas. Now I'm at the point of second-guessing even the most minute of my decisions and actions. I'm just not sure what more I could possibly do. What in my life is lacking? Marriage is a righteous desire. I pray every night that I can meet a good man who will marry me in the temple. Am I somehow unworthy? Has God found me wanting? Undeserving of a husband and children?

I'm not only second-guessing my decisions, I'm second-guessing myself. I'm at the point where I think, something must be wrong with me, or I would be in a relationship. My mother assures me that there's nothing wrong with me, that I am smart and funny and clever and a good writer. She doesn't usually say I'm pretty, which makes me think I fit the dreaded "great personality" category reserved for people who can't honestly be described as even okay-looking.

Again, I certainly don't ever want to diminish the pain that infertile couples feel. But I've always thought, they at least have each other. All these amazing couples who are certified with LDS Family Services might not be able to bear children, but they are sealed to each other for eternity. I've got bupkis.

It stinks. There's nothing I can do but wait. Waiting is the hardest part. It's interminable. I could be waiting for the rest of my life. Sometimes it already feels like I've been waiting forever. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. And so I wait.


  1. Waiting for marriage and waiting for a child to join your family do have a lot in common in that the waiting bites and you may start second guessing your worthiness or thinking something's wrong with you not to get "picked". But PLEASE don't start thinking that there's anything wrong with you or that you're "unworthy"!

    I often have to remind myself that sometimes it's just truly about the LORD'S TIMING.

    I think you're great, Jill!

  2. You wait... and get bad (and sometimes unintentionally mean) advice. A lot of advice people give those of us who "wait" is dismissive and I've often wondered if they received such pointers that it would be helpful to them. But then I got over that and started keeping a list of the really "good" ones. For posterity, of course. Haha. And if you do that, you'll find yourself welcoming really "great" tips. LOL

  3. Not to get churchy on you, but hey, you're the one who mentioned righteous desire...I've recently taken to reading the scriptures online through lds.org because it is fun to enter terms/topics and see how they link together. Anyway, I entered "wait upon the Lord" and got all sorts of verses that helped me as I wait to have a baby. Check it out.

    By the way, I think the parallel between hoping to adopt and hoping to get married is a great one. You are very insightful. And clever. And a great writer. Okay, now I just feel weird for all of the compliments.

    Keep it up.