In case you were wondering, I was dead serious about blogging more often and about nothing.
I had a job interview at the library last Friday. You may be thinking, Jill, don't you work at the library? And in fact I do. But I have a really crap job at the library. I don't currently make enough money to be alive, and my job (shelving, basically) is dull and exhausting. The job I interviewed for is full-time with benefits, and is a circulation job, meaning I would be one of the ladies who sit at the front desk answering stupid questions like "How are you guys doing alphabetical order these days?" (I am not making that one up) or "What does it mean when the computer says you have zero copies in?" (Also not made up.)
I want this job so bad. I should find out tomorrow or Wednesday that I didn't get it. Not if, but that. I refuse to get my hopes up in the slightest. There are several other candidates who are likely to be promoted before I am, despite being rude, incompetent, smelly, and old enough for retirement. This is the third time I've interviewed for this sort of position, and I keep being rejected in favor of the sort of people who should not be allowed to work with the public.
It's too bad. I need this job. I can't afford to keep working the one I have, and even if I could, it's starting to wear at me. I've had the job for just under a year, and I am already burned out. Part of it is the physicality of my job, and part of it is the fact that I work faster and harder than the other people who have the same job, and I'm being paid the same insulting wage.
I find this all especially frustrating because I am nearly twenty-eight years old, and I don't want to be single and working at my age - not at a job. I want to be working as a mom. I never, ever thought I would still be single at this age. I always thought I'd marry by now. It's frustrating for me to be worrying about money and whether I should be going back to school, and what I want to be when I grow up, because ... well, because I know what I want to be when I grow up, and it's not something I can control.
I'm not a control freak. I'm not the sort of person who always has to be in charge. But I do need to know what's going on, and that someone is in charge. I like schedules and order. I like to know that something is going to happen, and when it is going to happen. Being single is maddening.
If I'm honest, I felt a bit more optimistic about this whole job thing earlier today, but then I got some bad news. Or rather, I found out that someone in my family got some bad news, and my heart broke for them, and I found it hard to stay positive after that. This family member has gotten this kind of bad news before, and it is so unfair. It is unfair that not only do bad things happen to good people, but the same bad thing can happen to a really good person several times. Today was one of those days when I remembered just how unfair life can be. There's nothing to be done for it. All you can do is trust that someone - God - is in charge, and that He knows what's going on.